Updated: 7 days ago
For quite a few years, I laid there wondering what was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I orgasm with a partner who I loved deeply? A partner I found incredibly attractive. A person who was my best friend. Clearly my body just wasn’t working for me, for us and I felt the frustration and tension build up inside of me, inside of him and no matter what we tried sexually together…I simply couldn’t orgasm with him.
Oh the questions that suffocate you when this happens. Is it me? Is it him? Is it us?
Yearning for a sex life and connection like no other, but feeling totally lost, unworthy and incapable.
Why is it, I can orgasm with myself alone, but not with him?
ROADBLOCK For years!!!!
Then like an epiphany it hit me…
Why is it, I can orgasm with myself alone, but not with him?
The expectation that it’s him, another source that will provide the orgasm, which unknown to me at the time, was COMPLETELY WRONG!
See, our orgasms are created internally through our own internal tension, desire sensations and thoughts. Whilst the physical aspect of sex is also hugely important, it's not the source of OUR orgasm.
Truly, the deep, all consuming, entire body shaking experience comes from within ourselves. NOT somebody else.
I had never thought about it this way and afterwards my entire sex life sparked into a beautiful raging fire!
Nobody had ever taught me this. Porn doesn't teach you this. Friends don't talk about it on this level with you and many shy away from talking about it at all because it's "personal!"
I do believe that if we as Women were able to openly and freely talk about our own INTERNAL love more, to educate our daughters on their own internal empowerment, their relationship choices, standards and expectations would completely shift and create a much healthier & safer world.
I feel this way because if you resonate with any of this at all, you perhaps can recall at some point in your life chasing a LOVE, a LOVE that had you all consumed, obsessed and you believed that it was the person who was the magic ingredient. This can quickly lead to a very harmful and toxic dynamic which educated you to believe that unless the sex was awesome, it wasn't love or ever going to last. So when great sex came along without the EMOTIONAL safety and connection, you grabbed onto it HARD, hoping it would eventually turn into love.
Yeah...we've all grown up here and we've made some seriously bad relationship decisions based on this chemical desire for great sex.
This entire belief that songs and films are made from that the girls always fall for bad boys IS ENTIRELY F*cked up!
It NEVER had anything to do with the boy. It was YOU all along that grew your own desire for this 'boy,' through your internal tension, desire, sensations & thoughts.
I can prove it...How many HOURS of foreplay did you give YOURSELF, making yourself tingle at the thought of having him when you were obsessing over him? Was he ever there in those moments?
Let me tell you about an incredible experience of dating one particular person online, which lasted quite a few years! haha
Whilst we deeply connect together through texting, writing, voice messages, pictures and yes…sometimes a cheeky video here and there…what’s happening is two people connecting with each other through our shared fantasies. Our deepest desires. Our deepest needs and wants. Something, that actually can be surprisingly difficult to share and ask for within a face to face relationship. Especially back then when I was younger, less mature - less experienced. Expression...what on earth was that?
I didn’t know how to communicate what I needed and what I wanted in person to my partner. I expected or hoped he or she knew. Yes, I do like both men and women. So here I am, exploring my sexuality and desires one night with my oh so very reliable online dater and without touching myself, I experience one of the deepest and most all-consuming orgasms, just from reading!!!! Reading and using my internal imagination!
My body was responding physically…I was aching deep inside from texts, my heartbeat racing from a thought, my cheeks feeling flush and hot from an image, followed by hearing his voice expressing to me what he wanted to do with me.
My bodily senses were being activated and my imagination was running the show. I never felt more wanted or more sexual and I realised I was still all by myself. Even without touching myself, I had no idea I could still feel and react this way internally…from words and communication.
Communication that previously was totally missing from my sex life!
Then it hit me…
The power of my orgasms were always within me because I am the orgasm. NOT the partner.
When I realised this, I realised that no matter what situation I am in, whether it be masturbating lovingly by myself, connecting with myself through an online medium, through a book or with a live partner…the power and the energy of the orgasm is within me to build and release.
Then my entire sex life changed!
I was all of a sudden consciously aware of the fact that I am the energy that I need, want and desire. Not the other person.
When you realise this, being with another person sexually becomes an entirely different experience.
That’s when I knew.
That’s when I truly realised the potential of my own internal power and energy.
Ever since, I have enjoyed exploring my sexual energy in many different mediums. Through massage, reading, writing, masturbation alone and with partners.
Once you’re consciously aware of this…what next?
A lot of fun for yourself every day!
But first, here’s what happened which I wasn’t expecting!
Once I became aware of my own energy and how to harness this for myself, also came a new self-confidence that allowed me recognise when things didn’t feel right!
This was the most powerful step of it all for me.
- No longer was I accepting poor behaviour from others.
- No longer was I ignoring how I felt, whether I wanted to have sex or not.
- No longer was I aiming to please the other person, incorrectly believing that if I please them, I will somehow receive the same care and find orgasms.
- No longer was I attaching my self-worth to another person.
I was finally able to feel and take notice of exactly what I wanted AND exactly what I didn’t want, with the voice to express it as well, which is what makes conscious self-love: YOU FIRST one of the most important self discoveries of your womanhood. Unleashing the power within you for yourself first!
Then, enjoying the ripple effect of confidence in how you show up for yourself and your boundaries.
If you resonate and you want to learn to activate and harness your own internal energies to help you in love with yourself and others, join our private community and start reconnecting with your mind, body & spirit: EmpowerHERpreneur
Sam is amazing, I was trying to deal with so many different issues all at once and it was just too much for my head to handle. Sam is so calm and understanding, she doesn't judge and makes you feel so comfortable. It makes you feel that you're in a safe space and can talk about anything. 100% recommend, absolutely amazing woman is so many ways 💕 ~ Heather, M. 2022