Personal Letters

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To the powerful woman that lies within you, 

Sometimes, all we need to know is that we aren't alone. That we aren't the only ones who are experiencing the same. 

When I think back to one particular night, I remember the sadness and deep loneliness I felt. Like a deep pit of dread at the bottom of my stomach. Unable to eat. Unable to sleep. Staring at the wall in my lounge. The television was on for background noise, but I couldn't hear it. I certainly couldn't concentrate on anything. 

I had just put my baby to sleep and my mum's funeral was in a few days. Then I got that email. 

It was from him. 

It was pages long...all about him and his needs. Never-mind me living in grief and shock, later diagnosed with post-natal depression and I felt so angry. So angry that no matter what I was going through, this person could only care about himself! 

Did he care that I was in grief and shock? Alone with Thomas doing my best to care for him whilst I couldn't even find the energy to feed myself? 

The constant evenings spent googling the term 'narcissist,' to try and find online articles, youtube videos to help me understand why someone would be constantly pushing me. Constantly making me question my reality. Constantly arguing and shifting blame. Or the WORST...accusing me of things he himself was doing to me! 

In all that time of darkness, I felt totally stuck. Unable to heal from grief. Unable to even think about my huge family loss and the guilt I felt because I was so swallowed up in his BS! 

Totally attached to his words with my own identity, self-worth and confidence spiraling. 

When we are in this place, it's frightening. 

To not recognise who you are in the mirror. 

Yet somehow, you have to survive! You're a mother! Your child needs you! 

Whether it's a ex, a friend, a family member or work colleague...once somebody has successfully stuck their claws into you, sucking you of all your goodness for their own supply needs, it's incredibly hard to break away. 

Your body remembers every word. Your brain goes over it and replays every insult. You question yourself to the point that you simply don't trust yourself to be able to make any decisions. 

That's when you know you've lost all of your confidence. 

That moment you lose trust in yourself. 

But your inner child is there. Deep inside you. Loving you hard and is just waiting for you to connect with her again. 

She waits lovingly, patiently and with compassion. 

She waits with the love and compassion that you need right now. Unable to give yourself. 

But you will find her! 

People say time is a great healer. 

It's true because you need to time to remember her. 

You will, but only when both your mind and your body is ready. 

You are a magnificent woman and you will find yourself through this. 

You will come out of the other side, strong, confident, full of joy, happiness and a huge amount of love for yourself. 

This will transform your life and your relationships. 

Every obstacle is a detour in the right direction!

You've got this!

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I look forward to sharing more with you.

Love, 

Samantha Jane x